A weird question

A man comes into the store and looks around to find his flavor for the night.  He looks for a while and then, unable to make up his mind, comes over to my window and asks me the question of the year.."what kind of liquor will make a girl have sex with me?" I didn't know how to answer him..I told him a lot of liquor. I thought the question "wat-dat-do" was odd but this one...I might have to change the name of this blog now.

Names

A lady comes in to cash her check and I had to make call to confirm her employment.  The person who answered asked for the employee's name. I looked at the check and I had no idea how to pronounce this name. I asked the customer and she got upset. She told me, "it ain't that hard to pronounce my name. It be a common name...it's Tredaitra...xactly like it be sounding!!" I immediately thought to myself that I haven't blogged in a while. What better topic than names I encounter everyday at the store. These are actual names of customers that we have stored in our computer:
Al'Quinette                              Lewatis
Aquilla                                     Luereaner
Breyarno                                 Marquavious                            
Bwendolyn                               Parkeeshia
Camtrece                                 Pierriethia
Chiquita                                   Shalvaun
Chiztah                                    Shunta
Chrisqueria                              Taurean
Cordarreyl                               Tetranetta
Daveyon                                  Tieranie
Deontoinette                             Tiquana
Eschrika                                   Tralcia
Gereka                                     Treshondra
LaFetress
Lekisher

These are but a few of the names that I see. Exactly what are people thinking when they go to name their children?  These don't sound like names.  Some of these sound like they belong on a menu or mixed drink list.  For instance: I like my Chiztah blackened and seasoned with Shunta, with a glass of red Tiquana.  There ought to be a class on what constitutes a name for a human.  Somewhere in Memphis there is a little boy named, Rotwi Lerdog Jones.  He was born a few years ago and made radio show list of bad baby names.  What happened to Freddie, Michael, Ricky, Beth, or Heather...these are names.  Treshondra and LeFetress are not names.  The chain has to be broken, if for no other reason than I need to be able to pronounce your name when I call to confirm your employment.

Pronunciations

We have products that are relatively easy to pronounce for the average person, but we don't serve the average people..as you've read thus far.  Below is a list of items spelled correctly and also listed is what they're called by the customers.  Some of these I don't know where they come up with the names they say.

Correct                                                      Incorrect
Sutter Home                                               Suttin Holmes, Shutte House, Holmes Shutter, Sut House, dat
Salignac                                                      Saginac, Sawginaw, Shagnas, dat
Mogen David                                              Morgan Davis
Seagram's                                                   Sigmunds
Svedka                                                       Sawetka, Shedka, Veedle, Skeva, Sweatka
Remy                                                          Remedy, Ramsedy
Hpnotq (they get some room here)              Hiptoliptic, Hiptonotick
Beringer                                                      Barniger
Arbor Mist                                                  Arrow Mist, Arnor Mist, Arbo Mish

These are just a few.  The worst is when they just point to an area and say "dat".  The title of this blog is "wat-dat-do".  This comes from the customers pointing to an area and saying I want dat and also asking the most popular question in the store, "wat-dat-do?"  None of us know what to go get or how to answer that question.  As I've learned, sometimes it's best not to ask because you just don't know what the answer will be.

These aren't shorts?

This one is an oldy. A regular customer came into the store everyday, usually in the morning hours, at least twice.  He would come in wearing a wife beater T, flip flops & and a nice pair of boxer briefs.  That's right, he came in the store in his underwear.  My coworkers never believed me that there was a man who would come into the store in his underwear, until they saw him come in on a FRIDAY NIGHT.  They were amazed.  He did this for at least two months and one day I decided that I should say something...note, this was long before the interesting customers started coming in..so my better judgement hadn't developed yet..perhaps this is what started it's developement.  Anyway, I said to the man that maybe he could start wearing shorts/pants over his underwear.  He said that the briefs weren't underwear, that they were shorts.  I asked him if he had pockets?  He said that he had lots of shorts that didn't have pockets.  I then asked if those shorts had a trap door in the front?  He looked down and I swear I saw the light come on in his brain.  The light seemed to shoot out of his ears.  He said that he couldn't believe that he'd been wearing them out in public all this time.  He told me that he'd gone to McDonald's and the grocery store and a lot of places dressed that way.  Lesson here is simply look for the trap door.  If Mr. Happy has an escape route then they aren't shorts.

Special kind of pain

A woman comes in to buy her pain reliever for the night.  She orders, I go get the item and them she pays.  Transaction completed, so everything should be done, right?  Well, if that were the case I wouldn't be blogging this now would I.  She continues to sit and stare at me with a squint in her eyes.  She looks like something is wrong and I don't what to do.  Against my better judgement, I ask her if everything was okay.  She looks at me and just shakes her head no.  I ask her if the bottle is too heavy, hoping against all hopes that this is the problem but of course it's not.  She tells me something that will stay with me for a long long time.  She looks right at me and tells me, "My (vagina) hurts."  I am completely at a loss now.  The Titans are playing the Cardinals, so there's no relief there.  She repeats to me that her (vagina) hurts.  I tell her to "feel better and have a good night."  She tells me that she's wearing really tight panties and that they are riding up too far, both front and back.  I really want her to leave now but she just stares at me with a squint.  I tell her to take them off...Something occurred to me as I said these words..she might just take my advice...She said to me that she was wearing a long enough skirt and that would probably help.  I told her to wait until she got home..my words were, "please, please, please don't do it now!!  Wait until you get home, please, please and pretty please!!"  She said that her husband liked it when she wore these particular panties.  She said that she wait until she got home to take them off because her husband was at home and he would like to see them.  This one scared me...we've had enough naked people in the store.  Lesson here: when someone says that their vagina hurts..just say thanks.

% and fractions

Customer comes into the store to cash their check.  They get charged and their money counted back to them.  They grab their money and look at me.  Now I know that look and it usually is followed by some sort of a question.  They don't disappoint me, they ask a question.  They ask, "why do my money be different evera time I cash my check?"  I ask them what they mean.  They say that what they receive back is different every time.  I ask them if their check is the same or different every time and they say different.  I then explain that we charge 1.5% of their check to cash it.  They then say that don't explain why their amount is different every time.  Now right about now is the time that I should just let it go and just say that is the way it is and be done with it.  But, I just can't for some reason or another.  I ask them what half of 10 is.  They say, "what do you mean half, we talking bout %?"  I ask what 50% of 10 is and they say 5.  I then ask what 50% of 100 is and they say, "what?"  I put my down on the counter and say, "50."  They say, "50 ain't 50% of 100."  I ask what is 50 + 50?  They ask, "what?"  I then decide that explaining this is futile, but I try one more time anyway.  I tell them that if their check is $125 then we charge 1.5% of that amount but if their check is $225 then we charge 1.5% of that amount and the charge will be bigger.  They just stare at me.  I can see their little mouse running, trying to turn the wheel but it just isn't going to happen.  They just continue to stare and then shrug their shoulders and walks away.  Another customer leaving unsatisfied and confused, but maybe I've lit a spark to help them see that they should...nah, forget it!  They left and my head hurt.  I need to quit trying to explain math to the customers.

Oh dear

A woman comes in to buy a bottle. She orders and I go to get it. So far so good, no worries. I come back to wring up the item and she has decided to changer her dress, right in the store. I can't help but think, "oh dear." You see, she changing her dress wasn't a great idea but the fact that she was totally naked underneath made it unbearable. She just looked at me and kept smiling and told me she would be with me in a moment. I could only muster, "alrighty then."  Why does a woman come in and choose to changer her clothes in a public store? Why does a woman choose this when she knows she's naked? These are just two questions I actually listened to my better judgement and I did not ask why.

Banks in cahoots with the government

A woman comes in to cash her tax return check. So far so good.  She begins to tell me that she usually deposits her check into her bank account but she always cashes her tax return check.  Now usually my policy is not to ask why, but against my better judgement I asked why just cash the tax return checks.  She said that she didn't want the government to know about her tax return check.  I, against my better judgement, asked, "what?"  She said that the banks and the government were in cahoots together and that if she cashed her check with us that the government wouldn't know about her tax return check.  I found myself staring at her in amazement.  I asked her, "So you are cashing this check, your TAX RETURN CHECK, with me because you don't want the government to know about your TAX RETURN CHECK and the banks are in cahoots with the government and would report your TAX RETURN CHECK to the government?"  She said yes and said that they don't think she knows this but she is smarter than they think she is.  I again found myself staring at her in amazement.  I guess she will keep getting over on the government and the banks because she is too slick to be caught with her TAX RETURN CHECK. 

My sister had my baby

A lady came in to the store and she seemed liked something was wrong..against my better judgement I asked if she was okay...she said that her husband had an affair with her sister..I said, "Oh no"...she then said that her sister got pregnant..I was hoping that she would stop there..I said, "What can I get for you"...she then said that her sister moved in with them because she was pregnant and she needed help...I said, "What can I get for you"...she said that the baby was hers..I said, against my better judgement, "I thought your sister was pregnant"...she said she is, but because she had sex with her husband that she gets to have the baby...I said, against my better judgement, "does you sister know this"...she said that she told her and that was that..her sister doesn't like it but it her husband so it must be so...I asked, against my better judgement, "does your husband know this"...she said she told him that it was her baby and he said whatever....so what I have learned is that if a woman is married and her husband cheats on her with her own sister and that sister gets pregnant it isn't her baby..she had sex with your husband and that means it's your baby...a + b = f...I also learned that sometimes you shouldn't ask questions because there simply are no good answers.

I'd like to make a withdrawal

One day a customer came in and asked to make a withdrawal from her account.  "A withdrawal from what account", I asked.  She said that she would like to get some money out of her account that she opened.  You see, we cash checks at the store.  Each payroll check is charged 1.5% and the customer is given the remainder.  She thought that we held that money, the money we charger her, in an account.  I asked her if she ever received a statement from us.  She looked at me and stared. I asked her again if she ever received a statement from us.  She said she was waiting.  I asked, "waiting for what?"  She said, "what you got to say?"  It dawned on me that she was waiting for me to make a statement.  She didn't know what a bank statement was.  I just looked at her and explained to her that there is no account, that we cash her check and it isn't free to do so.  I told her that there was no money for her.  She just turned away mumbling and dejected. Note to self..no more making assumptions that simple meanings aren't simple at the liquor store.

Problems figuring out %'s

So today is discount wine day.  This means that 99.99999% of our wine is discounted today. The customers get 10% off of their wine today.  So a customer came in and order a bottle of wine.  She received her discount and her total came to $8.82.  The normal price is $8.99 +tax which comes to $9.80.  She complained that her discount was wrong.  She thought that 10% of $8.99 must be at least $10. It was explained that 10% of something can't be more than the actual total of the item. She wanted to know how I came to this conclusion and I told her, "math". She looked at me with her best Jon Gruden eyes and said I was a tricky white boy. She was going to go home and check on my conclusion to make sure I didn't rip her off and then she would call me. She said I had better not have ripped her off.  I didn't think she'd call but I was wrong.  She and her daughter came to the same conclusion...."You owe me some money"...apparently 10% of something is bigger than the original total.

Bra money and panty money

Woman comes in and orders..she says she is going to pay with her "bra money"...I had to ask, against my better judgement of course, what bra money was...she says she has bra money and panty money..Bra money is for things like liquor or cheeseburgers and panty money is for rent and car payments...but if your panty is money is "funny" then it's okay to spend it on liquor because "you ain't going to make the rent anyway and the repo man gonna get the car too, might as well be drunk"...and now I know.

welcome

So I decided to start this blog to share the everyday joys of my job.  I probably won't be posting tonight as I'm on my 22nd hour of trying to replace the flapper in my toilet.  It should be easy enough a monkey can do it.  Apparently I'm lower on the primate tree.